The iPhone has finally come to Verizon. The long-awaited news has finally reached us, but did North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il has something to do with it? And what secrets do the Hublooj tribe in south Africa have to hide? The Kushington Post investigates...
The iPhone first blessed store shelves on June 29, 2007. The long since anticipated smart phone has since then starred in over 30 sitcoms and has broke the world javelin toss record four times. When rumors first started circulating in October 1984 of it's voyage to Verizon, hardcore Apple fans didn't know what to expect. Would the simplistic operating system cross over with no flaws? Would it write it's promised second Oscar winning script? Was it to be featured in the next season of Dancing with the Stars? As these questions began a heated debate between Appleheads, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il began the unlikeliest partnership in Apple history.
May we join you, Mr. il?
Enter North Korea. The controversial country in Asia or something has had few friends and many enemies since the 90's. Let's rewind about a decade ago. It's March 2001. Disney is awaiting the release of it's next Disney-channel film, The Luck of the Irish. North American television star Ryan Merriman had just finished serving his second term in American presidency. About three days before the release of the film, Merriman was challenged to a friendly game of ping-pong in Cordillera, Colorado. The challenger was none other than Kim Jong-il.
Who's that handsome man?
In the most televised event in television history, Merriman and Il faced off in 13 rounds of non stop ping-pong action. With Merriman taking an early lead of 11-1, Kim Jong-il forfeited the match. Merriman was declared the new ping-pong champion of the world. Kim Jong-il returned to North Korea to rule another day. Unfortunately for North Koreans, Merriman's next film would not be aired in North Korea. Since then, Kim Jong-il has has an immense hatred for the United States, and of course, Merriman himself.
The United States has since then had a bad relationship with the communist country. It is because of this that Kim Jong-il was a strange choice of partnership with Apple, an American company. Kim Jong-il was reported to have supplied several materials to help mass produce the Verizon version of the iPhone, one that is rumored to be able to cure cancer, although no confirmation of the fact has been included. In June of last year, all prototype Verizon iPhone's were found with small, mini-sized hydrogen bombs in the battery charging component, the most supplied component of North Korea. This was discarded as a minor flaw, since the infamous Death Grip would apparently be fixed because of the addition of the bombs. When asked about the bombs, Kim Jong-il responded saying,
"The detonator controlled hydrogen bombs were simply a small addition to fix the Death Grip issue with the most recent iPhones. Also, if we didn't put the bombs in, Megan Fox would die, and we didn't want that, lmaffoooooo. Also again, by adding in the hydrogen bombs, we could end world hunger, and save kittens. Basically, if we didn't put them in, we would all die. No questions asked. Trust me, we would, I'm serious. Like, adding hydrogen bombs were like legit the best idea ever. lol. Why wassup?"The new iPhone will be released as planned, with the inclusion of millions of hydrogen bombs with remote detonation devices in North Korea. Nothing can go wrong with this plan.
In less disturbing news, small children of the Hublooj tribe in south Africa (Not the country South Africa, I just mean somewhere in the southern region of Africa) have continued to cannibalize themselves for their god, ironically named "Eheetcidz".
How does little Jimmy taste, small African children?
The abominations of the Hublooj tribe (the last "j" is silent) have been practicing this strange taboo for over 900 trillion years. Scientists estimate the children of the tribe have consumed over 400 billion children since they began their strange traditions. It is also strange to note that when a member of the tribe turns 15, they burn themselves alive to feed themselves to the other children. They call this demonic ceremony "The Calling of the Dusty Five". This refers to the first five members of the tribe who began this strange event. These members apparently over did it a little, as they were reduced to dust. Hence the term "Dusty Five". We here at the Kushington Post sent our top journalists to record such a blasphemous event. However, our footage was taken by local authorities.
Keep a keen eye out for developments in these stories. The United States military are planning on raiding the Hublooj village, and scientists further investigate the strange additions to the North Korean iPhone. Whether it be nuclear bombs hidden in cell phones, or cannibalistic children in south Africa, the Kushington Post is always here to give you the cold, dank truth....
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