President Barack Obama has served about 2 years of presidency. But a body discovered in Utah seems to look a little too much like our well-known president. And what is the scoop on the rumored sex tape with politician Kim Kardashian and Playmate of the Year Kayne West? The Kushington Post investigates...
President Obama has had his fair share of accomplishments and president of the United States of America. We watched as he single-handedly ended the Holocaust by brutally murdering Kid Cudi with his bare hands (on national television of course) back in 2003. He even has been linked to Jessica Alba. Good shit Obama, but there are a few questions we here at the Kushington Post want answered. Number one, who the hell are you?
Nice blunt fam!
Barack Obama was the first African-Asian or "blasian" president of the US. He assumed office on January 20th, 2009 (what it do Wikipedia), and since then has been serving to this day. Until just a few days ago, everybody just assumed that Obama was doing his thang in the White House. Well, not exactly. Approximately four days ago, marine biologists in Cedar Fort, Utah discovered the rotten carcass of what seems to be our beloved president, Barack Obama. That's right. He's dead. According to some soft of scientific hoobajoob, Barack Obama passed away January 23rd, 2009, just 3 days after his first day as president. Now, that's all hunky-dorrie, but this would naturally bring up a few questions:
#1. How did he die?
#2. Who is our fuggin' president?
Fear not avid readers of the Kushington Post, we have all your answers here. According to scientists, Obama was an avid smoker of marijuana (cosign!). In 2008, Obama revealed in an interview that he spends about $10,000 dollars of month on weed (or was that Wiz Khalifa? I dunno). Scientists are currently debating as to the cause of his death, but it seems the death is either between smokin' to much kush!, or fuckin' too many big-booty bitches. The cause of death is only the beginning of mysteries in this case. The real question is, who the hell is our president?
We hope it's Weezy!
Obama died early 2009, meaning that from 2009 to 2011, Obama wasn't serving as president. Basically, fake Obama be bustin'! Hold your dicks family, this gets weirder. DNA tests with the deceased Obama has reportedly NOT matched with our current phony Obama. Meaning, of course, that's not our president. This could be both a good thing, or a bad thing. The DNA with the real Obama was testing on over 5,000 celebrities in the United States in hopes of revealing who is the new Obama, the one who has been president for over 2 years. After all the celebs were tested, only 6 had a match. This means that one of the following six people is the president of the United States of America. No if, ands, or buts. It has to be one of them.
#1. Makoto Nagano of G4's Ninja Warrior (?)
#2. Weezy (doobies in the air!)
#3. Sean Paul
#4. Captain Jack Sparrow of the fictional movie series Pirates of the Caribbean
#5. Nicki Minaj
#6. Leonardo DiCaprio's character from the movie Inception
She fine as fuck...
Kim Kardashian is one fine ass bitch. The american socialite rocked the foundations of man with her discovery of gravity in 2006, and then got a TV show some time later. She currently stands as the senator of Florida and director of the highest grossing movie of all time, Avatar. However, even with the incredible accomplishments, Kim found refuge in the city of fuck when her sex tape with singer Ray J was released in 2007. She played innocent, but she ended up getting like 2 million dollars. Stop your wining, you dumb bitch. Now, early 2011, a new sex tape with Kim Kardashian has risen. This time, playmate Kayne West swapped places with Ray J to deliver what Vivid entertainment promises to be the "best sex tape to feature both Kanye West and Kim Kardashian in at least two consecutive scenes". Not only that, the video is apparently 73 hours long. Don't get to excited. The seventy-three hour fuck-fest is set for release late February. Luckily for us, we got our hands on the tape before anyone. Unfortunately, our tape was confiscated by local authorities. If your dick is still not wet, the video is said to have on it, as a special treat:
The Bourne Trilogy
The Simpsons Movie
How I Met Your Mother Season 3
Titanic
One month subscription to InStyle magazine
Six cases of pure Sulfur
A Small Child
About 12 nuclear warheads for recreational use
4mg of the dangerous street drug Heroin
An M1 flamethrower
34 Pages worth of Area 51 intel
One yellow Skittle
a 2 liter of Pepsi
and more
According to sources, the extras listed above make up for about 73 hours of footage on the video, meaning that there is actually no sexual action in the tape. Why the media has dubbed this a sex tape is a mystery to us.
'Cause we would catch a grenade for ya!
Ears open on these stories my friends. The DNA samples of president Obama are said to be confirmed by March. The Kim Kardashian sex tape extras are still up for changes, meaning you may see a different list come February. Whether it's a dead president or a fishy package of extras on a sex tape, the Kushington Post is always here to give you the cold, dank truth....
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